Only For Him

You don’t want me around
And that’s ok.
But please just know,
I hate seeing you this way.

This self sacrifice thing,
It’s one of the best things to see,
But every time you do it,
You’re slowly killing me.

You think it’s for the best,
To teach me to be strong,
But how can you not see
That you’ve never been so wrong?

You say that you’re trouble
And I need to be saved
But baby not once
Have I ever seen it that way.

You’re my world, my light,
My everything and more
But I can’t ever stop you
From finding the door.

But before you go
This time just please
See yourself through my eyes
Before you force yourself to leave.

You’re the reason I smile
The joy in my heart
The light in my eyes
The inspiration behind my art

When you aren’t around
My world turns to black
And every little thing
Just makes me crack

You’re the one who keeps me strong
I guess you could say my glue
But none of it matters
Because you don’t have a clue.

But because ur determined to go
And I can’t make you stay,
I can promise you
These are the last words I’ll ever say.

The other day I was stupid,
It should never have been said
That if you were to leave
That they would find me dead.

You’ll do what you want,
That much is clear.
But please just know,
That I’ll always be here.

But once you’re gone just know
That everyone can tell
That every day I’m here
It feels like I’m in hell

But don’t worry my love,
It hopefully won’t last
For your memory will keep me strong
Like it has in the past.

You’ve said it before,
This must come to an end
But who really knows?
We might meet again.

So before you leave
This much is true
For every day that I breathe
I will always love you.

But it’s time to go
Since I’m starting to cry,
But like I said
This is my final goodbye.

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Nothing But a Game

A dreadful scream emanated from the basement. I lifted my head and let out a quiet scream of excitement. I slowly got up from my seat and pushed my hands through my hair and swayed around the room with a smile as the screaming continued. I started to lose my balance. Suddenly, there was an arm around my stomach holding me up.

“Careful now pet” he whispered in my ear as he reached for my chin with his free hand and pulled my face around towards his.

“Is that my new toy?” I asked in a childlike tone.

“She is indeed poppet. Do you want to meet her?” William uttered as he spun me around and brushed my hair behind my ear. He took my hand and slowly led me towards the basement stairs.

“One step, two step, three step, four.” I sang through excited laughter as we descended. “Oh, the music stopped” I pouted as we reached the bottom of the stairs.

“It will start up again soon pet, you have my word.” William assured.

I slowly stepped around him and towards the girl with the long, messy sand coloured hair that had been tied to the only chair at the back of the room. I walked over and stood in front of her, cocking my head to the left. She whimpered and cowered as far into the chair as she could.

“She’s so pretty.” I grinned as I ran my hand over her face “so smooth. Like a dolly.”

“Only the best for you my love” William was now behind me with his hands on my shoulders.

“Please don’t hurt me” the girl pleaded through tears “what do you want?” I looked at her and smiled.

“I want to play.” I spun around in excitement and looked at William “Oh please William, can I play with her now?”

“Of course you can my dear” He replied with an evil grin.

I turned around and started loosening the girls’ restraints. William was quickly upon me.

“No pet. You don’t want to lose this one like you did the last one do you?”

“You broke my last toy.” I pouted.

“I had to, love.” He tightened the restraints again.

“I get bored quicker when they can’t move.”

“It’s only for now pet.” He lightly kissed my forehead and ascended the stairs.

I stood in front of the girl, smiling sweetly and gently swaying from side to side.

“Please don’t hurt me” the girl sobbed.

“I’m not going to hurt you silly” I chuckled “as long as you don’t upset me. William hates it when I’m upset.”

“Do… do you always talk like that?” the girl stuttered “like a child”

I glared at her angrily and rushed towards her. I pulled a double edged hunting knife out of the back of my jeans and held it to her throat. She started breathing heavily and crying uncontrollably. I lent in close and placed my mouth near her ear.

“I can hear your heart beat” I sang softly with laughter.

“You’re crazy.” She said through her tears.

I sat on her lap, facing her and slowly moved the knife to her cheek and sliced into it. I watched in a trance like state as the blood slowly trickled down her face. I ran my tongue over the cut and lent back in ecstasy.

“Yummy.” I muttered as I closed my eyes.

“You’re disgusting” she shouted, pulling me out of my trance. I got up and glared at her with an evil glint in my eyes. I started swaying yet again from side to side, almost like I was dancing. I swiftly struck her across the face with the back of my hand and she let out a horrendous scream of pain. I heard William get up and thud his was down the stairs with haste.

“Is everything ok pet?” he asked worried.

I wandered over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck.

“Dance with me while the music plays.” I whispered in his ear.

He wrapped his arms around my waist and we swayed together for a few seconds before the screaming stopped. I slowly turned towards the girl, tightly holding onto Williams hand. Her face had begun to welt.

“You’re boring me now.” I turned back towards William “I don’t like this one, it’s mean and doesn’t play like the last one did.” I said in an angry childlike tone “Take it back.”

William pulled me in close and reached for my belt buckle.

“Your wish is my command my love.”

I pressed my lips hard against his as he took my belt from me and slowly strode towards the helpless girl. He created a loop before slipping the belt over her head and pulling it tight around her neck. She struggled furiously for air as her eyes started to bulge. I giggled with excitement as she turned red and started to lose consciousness. Eventually, she stopped moving and the thrill had faded. William loosened his grip on the belt and allowed it to fall before panting a few times. He walked over to me and embraced me tightly. He kissed me with passion that he hadn’t shown me before.

“I’ll find you a new toy in the morning” and with that he ascended the stairs, leaving me with the lifeless girl. 

The Dark Room

I can feel it, the ripping, shredding. My chest tightens with every breath. My heartbeat thuds loudly in my ears and yet he just stands there motionless, staring at the horrific image that he’s created. I gasp for air as I collapse to the floor and my world turns black.

“No, not here, not again” I plead as I frantically try to snap myself out of it. I’ve done it again, I’ve locked myself away in that dark, windowless room in my mind. As always, I run to the nearest wall and start feeling around for the door although I already know that my search is pointless, there is never a door in this place. I’m trapped once again. I find a corner of the room and slump down. I slowly bring my knees to my chest and cover my ears as I await the dreaded thumping that emanates from outside of the room.

I wait and wait and wait but it doesn’t come. I slowly remove my hands from my ears and clutch at my knees as tears roll down my face. Could this time be different? Could I really not be tormenting myself? Or course not. How ludicrous for me to think that things could ever change here when they never do.

All of a sudden, the thumping starts out of nowhere. I quickly cover my ears as I start screaming for it to stop but it won’t, it never does. How long will I be here for this time? I guess if doesn’t matter, even a minute feels like an eternity in hell.

The thudding stops briefly but it’s a trick, it’s always a trick, pulling me into a false sense of security. I clutch at my throat as I start to choke, the air is getting thinner and the thumping starts up again. I can’t take it. I lay on the floor awaiting death to take me away.

Still clutching my throat, I feel the last bit of air leave my now stinging lungs when there is a sudden flash of light and I can breathe again. I quickly take in as much air as I can before looking in the direction of the light. To my amazement, I see a dark figure approach me. It’s him, he put me here and only he can release me.

“I’ll always be here to save you.” He said as he pushed both of his arms under me and carried my weak body out of my cell. He may not be perfect, but he’ll always be my knight in shining armour.

I had a pretty crappy day yesterday, i’m not going to lie. I’m actually glad that i waited until today to post about it since, chances are, it would have been a blubbering mess of misunderstanding. Work was… hauodfhgbaqergdbB. Yeah that’s right i have a job, i don’t just sit on my butt being a writer that’s all like “oh no man i don’t need to be paid for my efforts because its part of my soul” eww no. I enjoy working for a living, however small that living may be, however! the contact i have with others in this pathetic excuse for a society is what bugs me.

I’m going to tell you a work related story. A couple of weeks ago i pinned my hair back and stuff. I deliver flowers and stuff which isn’t all that exciting but i did happen to get a delivery. Now, when i arrived at the address the woman who would have been no older than about 55 i’d say, ended up calling me the devil. THE FUCKING DEVIL!!! seriously? if i was the Devil why the hell would i be residing in this crappy place? think i’d have standards. I didn’t even really say anything to her, just “i have a delivery for [insert name here]” She then proceeded to tell my that i had my hair the way that i had it to hide my tiny horns and screamed “be gone demon” as i walked back to my car. Sometimes i worry.

I generally don’t care for other people, i also have reasons for that, but there is one person on this planet that i do care about despite the amount of people who tell me i shouldn’t. It always worries me when i fight with this person because they always suggest that we stop talking and wait until we cross paths again. It got me thinking, what is the true source of my misery? and my thought processes went a little like this.

1. Him - Because he makes me happy when he’s here i just started assuming that my misery was his fault. Even thought that if he stuck around that i’d be happy when in reality that’s probably not true. It’s not him. The only thing that upsets me when it comes to him is the fact that we don’t work through problems anymore, we let them fester until they destroy us completely. Children masquerading as adults.

2. Love - Because i still have quite strong feelings for him despite my efforts to destroy them completely over the time we’ve been apart, it makes things complicated. Complications cause tension and tension causes fights. There isn’t really much to this part, i moved on from it pretty quickly. Wanting something or someone you know you’ll never have is a heart stopper, its the worst feeling in the word and that alone is a good enough reason for me to never want to fall for someone again.

3. Myself - There is it, the true reason behind why i’m so bitter and filled with hate. Others may have contributed but in the end i’m the one responsible for my happiness, no one else. If i can’t bring it about by myself then it’s never going to happen. A lot of things make me smile but not truly happy. I’ve guarded myself to the point where i pretty much refuse to let anyone in, it’s not a great feeling but it does make constant departures easier. I’m not going to delude myself into believing that i’m perfect and everyone else is the problem when that just isn’t true. I’ve come to terms with the fact that 9/10 i’m the reason that things go wrong in my life. I’m the reason I’ve been writing chapter 3 of my book for a couple of months now, i’m the reason why i get angry most of the time, i’m the reason i’m miserable.

There is no real moral to this, it takes a bit of back tracking and open mindedness to figure out that you’re the problem in some situations. Blaming yourself isn’t healthy and self beating gets you to where i am, heavily medicated and in therapy. I still don’t really care what others think of me, the important thing is what i think of myself. Think i’m a bitch? fine by me, i’ll tattoo that shit across my forehead. Think i’m a psycho? well baby you haven’t seen anything yet. Don’t like who i am? didn’t realise i was holding a gun to your head, here let me open the door for you instead since you clearly don’t know how to leave.

It’s all a learning curve and we’ll understand it some day but until then, save yourself and stop bitching about how your life could be better and then do absolutely nothing to change it, yeah even i have a friend like that.

Laterz

I couldn’t sleep last night so I hit my ex up on the psn… He messaged me back o.o What have I done D:

Tossed aside again. Story of my life

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I found murder house in the Halloween episode in season 4 of Buffy

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much options

much options

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So the other night I was watching “worlds greatest fools” and this guy threw a keyboard at the camera. My reaction? To flinch and hide my face, because somehow I believed that the keyboard would come through the tv and hit me in the face -.-

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My phone has a habit of trying to auto-correct “lol” to “ok”. No matter what i’m saying to someone, “ok” makes it sound instantly hostile o.o 

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