I had a pretty crappy day yesterday, i’m not going to lie. I’m actually glad that i waited until today to post about it since, chances are, it would have been a blubbering mess of misunderstanding. Work was… hauodfhgbaqergdbB. Yeah that’s right i have a job, i don’t just sit on my butt being a writer that’s all like “oh no man i don’t need to be paid for my efforts because its part of my soul” eww no. I enjoy working for a living, however small that living may be, however! the contact i have with others in this pathetic excuse for a society is what bugs me.
I’m going to tell you a work related story. A couple of weeks ago i pinned my hair back and stuff. I deliver flowers and stuff which isn’t all that exciting but i did happen to get a delivery. Now, when i arrived at the address the woman who would have been no older than about 55 i’d say, ended up calling me the devil. THE FUCKING DEVIL!!! seriously? if i was the Devil why the hell would i be residing in this crappy place? think i’d have standards. I didn’t even really say anything to her, just “i have a delivery for [insert name here]” She then proceeded to tell my that i had my hair the way that i had it to hide my tiny horns and screamed “be gone demon” as i walked back to my car. Sometimes i worry.
I generally don’t care for other people, i also have reasons for that, but there is one person on this planet that i do care about despite the amount of people who tell me i shouldn’t. It always worries me when i fight with this person because they always suggest that we stop talking and wait until we cross paths again. It got me thinking, what is the true source of my misery? and my thought processes went a little like this.
1. Him - Because he makes me happy when he’s here i just started assuming that my misery was his fault. Even thought that if he stuck around that i’d be happy when in reality that’s probably not true. It’s not him. The only thing that upsets me when it comes to him is the fact that we don’t work through problems anymore, we let them fester until they destroy us completely. Children masquerading as adults.
2. Love - Because i still have quite strong feelings for him despite my efforts to destroy them completely over the time we’ve been apart, it makes things complicated. Complications cause tension and tension causes fights. There isn’t really much to this part, i moved on from it pretty quickly. Wanting something or someone you know you’ll never have is a heart stopper, its the worst feeling in the word and that alone is a good enough reason for me to never want to fall for someone again.
3. Myself - There is it, the true reason behind why i’m so bitter and filled with hate. Others may have contributed but in the end i’m the one responsible for my happiness, no one else. If i can’t bring it about by myself then it’s never going to happen. A lot of things make me smile but not truly happy. I’ve guarded myself to the point where i pretty much refuse to let anyone in, it’s not a great feeling but it does make constant departures easier. I’m not going to delude myself into believing that i’m perfect and everyone else is the problem when that just isn’t true. I’ve come to terms with the fact that 9/10 i’m the reason that things go wrong in my life. I’m the reason I’ve been writing chapter 3 of my book for a couple of months now, i’m the reason why i get angry most of the time, i’m the reason i’m miserable.
There is no real moral to this, it takes a bit of back tracking and open mindedness to figure out that you’re the problem in some situations. Blaming yourself isn’t healthy and self beating gets you to where i am, heavily medicated and in therapy. I still don’t really care what others think of me, the important thing is what i think of myself. Think i’m a bitch? fine by me, i’ll tattoo that shit across my forehead. Think i’m a psycho? well baby you haven’t seen anything yet. Don’t like who i am? didn’t realise i was holding a gun to your head, here let me open the door for you instead since you clearly don’t know how to leave.
It’s all a learning curve and we’ll understand it some day but until then, save yourself and stop bitching about how your life could be better and then do absolutely nothing to change it, yeah even i have a friend like that.